Crap

When you haven't written anything that isn't crap...the pressure builds to write something that isn't crap. 
Yes, uppity writers, I know the double negative.  (OK, sorry.  You aren't all uppity.  Just those of you who saw it right away and wanted to correct it.)

When my feet hurt so much and my boobs ache ( note: I am pretty much too old to have aching boobs be the indication of something exciting) and everyone needs something and it all hurts too much to give anyone any of what they need...the pressure to disappear can take over.  Happens to me often.  And, most of the time, it is self-induced pressure.  Not always.  But...mostly.
I am tired.  And really working to make us all happy.  I really am.
I want you to like me.
I want your kids to like me. Shit, I want your crazy _____ (Insert any relative significant to you) to like me?
I want you to want to live next door to me because I am potentially a great neighbor.
I want to be your favorite.
I want you to tell your friends about me in that excited voice....that voice that says "I can't wait for you to meet her!"
I want you to miss me.
I want you to love me. 
I want to be your favorite.  (Yes, I am repeating that.  For emphasis.)
I want you to wonder how I do it.
I want to be on your "Top 20" party list.
I want to be considered worthy of being a God parent...even though I am not a church goer. 
(Side note:  I want to be cool enough to be the above without  EXACTLY the entire  religious thing.  I will respect your request...after all, I AM your favorite.  I  mostly just want to be the one that is with it enough to be a kick ass spiritual guide.)  More important second side note:  I will take care of your child, or children, but if you want their asses in a church every Sunday...you may want me to be the backup spiritual guide?)
I want to make you laugh.
I want to feed you well.
I want to be included in the toast at a wedding.
I want you to find me when you are sad.  Mad.  Happy.  Lonely. Sick. Thrilled.  Frustrated.  At your wits end.  Because it is Monday and the thrift store has everything 25% off....yaaaay!
Find me....in your best moment, or in your worst moment because you know I can. 
Find me whenever you need me.
Because I have been there.  Or, I haven't...but you know I will listen.
Just because.  I entered your heart or your mind. 



I want to be remembered with many more laughs than tears when I am gone.  With profound fondness that sweeps away the sadness.  I did it.  Or I didn't?  But I mattered to you either way.



Having said all of what I want from you.  I need to tell you what I want from me.
I want to be all of the above when and if the time is right.  Not because I need it.  Because it is right.
I want to be any or all of those things to you...and more...because I have hunkered down and done the work that makes me worthy of being that to you or for you or with you.
I want to be all of it to you...and to me.  I want to change a life.  At least once.  Starting with my own.   
I want to be better.  Make you better.  Like me like you like me.  Love me like you love me.

Buckle up.  It ain't an easy ride.  But...it promises to be one that generates one or two damned good stories.