Small steps

Last day of January. And I was going to write every day? Hmmmm...maybe I should rename the blog smallstepsforwardandthenafewbacktogetthere? (You get what I mean. I wouldn't name my blog that....but probably should.)

Here is what I am learning. This is a process. It is imperfect. It is messy. I am impatient and unforgiving....especially to myself. There are moments of brilliance and moments of complete and overwhelming grief, exhaustion and loneliness. And, through it all? The people that love me stand on the sidelines cheering me on, encouraging me, giving me space when I need it and kindly pushing themselves into my space when I think I don't need it.

Big changes. Quit a job that paid pretty well. But for too long I was putting money in front of myself...ALL of myself. And it was making me sick....literally. I was an emotional wreck. I ignored that nagging voice. I ignored my heart. I snapped at my husband. I didn't want to get out of bed and couldn't wait to get back in...except when I did....the nightmares were so bad that I thought I was going mad. I went for days without speaking to my coworkers. I faked it for the customers because I had to do so. But that just made me feel even more like a sell out.
So I quit.
My sweet, adoring husband put up with and gently repeated that we not only would be fine without the job...we would be better. He doesn't say too much...but when he does...it is worth listening to. Yup...with kid in college and one a year a half away from college--I quit. And, when I see it in front of me...it makes me proud. I guess you can be proud and terrified all at once....because I am. I used that job as my "reason" for my unhappiness. Crap. It is Tuesday...and I am not magically happy? Alright, nothing to hide behind anymore. Got to get to work. Not that job...but real, dirty work. Dirty work where I face it. Accept it. Give myself a break right before I power through the muck. I thought I had to fight it...but I don't. I have to own it, lean into it, trust that I will be OK on the other side.


So...what do I have to do? I have to keep learning to be. To stay. To forgive. To undo...or at least re-map the super unhealthy habits that I have created. To work to silence the voice that says you all are going to figure it out and I will be left alone and sad and saying, "I told you so." I want to see me like Jim sees me. Or Tommy or Oscar or any of my amazing family sees me. Or the Principal at the vocational school in Georgetown sees me. Or any of the many, many people in my life who love me just the way I am see me. I want to love me just the way I am. I am enough.
I am meant to do something important. That sounds kind of arrogant. Sorry. But it is true. I have been there. I have put up with things I shouldn't have because I thought I deserved it. I don't. And neither do all of those women out there who put up with it because they can't think of another way. Can't imagine a life that isn't ugly. Can't fathom that there are men out there who love and respect women. And, the Universe gave me the best there is. As ugly as the voice in my skull can be, there is this tiny, far away poking that will not let up. This poking that is saying...c'mon....let's do this thing.
I want to be a caretaker without being a pushover.
I want to be present without being judgmental.
I will be better than I have been.
I want to make a difference. REALLY make a difference.
I want to change all of the "wants" above to "need."

I have the most amazing support system. A big dynamic family filled with personalities that offer me individual gifts. A husband that is unmatched. A man who has been able to teach someone who thought she would always be unlovable that she is, indeed, lovable. Two boys that may roll their eyes at my terrible jokes but love me so deeply it is an honor. Two boys that despite having a Mom with a boatload of issues are funny and smart and sweet and empathetic. (thank you, Universe.) A therapist that makes me feel safe while gently pushing me with her sweet English accent to get to work. A coach who I felt connected to the first time I read her words. Friends who just put up with my quirks and love me anyway. "Lucky" doesn't begin to describe it.
To each of you....you are my lifeline. And, I promise that when I get there....you would be proud to be part of the journey.

With love and gratitude.

TW

4.4.12.

Hmmm...so much for my writing consitstently every day. Never was a fast learner. I do love to write. I am torn between putting it out there...you know, "out there" in cyberspace for anyone to read or to pull back and journal? My heart is saying ,"Get a little stronger, work every day to be safe, happy, healthy and live with ease." Journal now. Blog later. Truth is...I am not feeling any one of those. In fact, I feel like they are slipping further away with each day.

Maybe it is winter. Maybe it is fate. Maybe it is the Universe winding up for a full on bash with a bat because I don't seem to take the smaller hints?

Sheila said if I can't find inspiration to write...start with five things I liked about yesterday.
and, I can't find one.