I am ready to say goodbye to 2011.

It was not a great year for me or for the world. Sure, plenty of good things happened. Healthy babies were born. People got married. Or divorced. (that can be a good thing for some.) Best thing of 2011? Oscar! I am not eloquent enough to say how amazingly great that spirit is! He is my go-to image when I am feeling the worst. You can't NOT smile when you see him.


Seems like it was an especially bad year for big tragedies? But maybe from this place where I am it just feels that way? But heck, tsunamis, famine, devastated economies, wars, murderers walking free. Yes, I suppose all of this is not new to humans. It just feels like more.
On the positive side?
People got better. I am still working on that part. I have battled depression for years and this year...it almost bested me. The toll it has taken on me physically is hard to describe. Most days I feel like I am carrying sandbags. Literally and emotionally. I am overweight. I am exhausted. I am uninspired. I am hard to live with. I am hard to work with. I am smart enough to know all of this. I just am not smart enough to make it better. Yet.
The cycle goes like this...so wrecked that I can't focus. My memory is terrible. I am constantly rechecking myself. "Did I do this?" "Have I done that yet?" My circling back makes me annoyed. Check that...I let myself get annoyed by the circling back. I have never been one to give much slack...to myself most of all.
The thing that has changed is my awareness of all of this. And, that is both a good and bad thing. Now, I hear the endless self defeating chatter. Before it was there and I wasn't even concious of it. So, now the battle becomes to hear it, not judge it, and try to stop it. Much easier said than done.
I have amazing friends. An incredible family. And, a man who is patient and kind and loves me despite that fact that it is quite challenging most days.
I have a therapist. I think she is great. She has this sweet English accent and gives me lovely little nuggets to take with me each week. For some reason, they sound much better coming from her than from me?
I have started meditating. That is a process for sure. When have you ever known me to be quiet? Hell, you think I am chatty at a lunch date...try hearing what goes on inside my head? It is like being in the monkey cage at lunchtime, combined with Grand Central Station at 5:00 PM and the mosh pit of a rave...all mixed together. (I have never been to a rave...but I was going for LOUD.)
So, this is the mantra of lovingkindness I have "borrowed":
May I be safe.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I live with ease.

The premise is I say this. Over and over. And send it out to the Universe. To include those I know and don't know. To those I love and those I don't even like.
Did I mention I am not so patient? There is that. Did I mention that this is 43 years in the making and feels like it might take that long to undo? The genetic component is there, too. I don't like taking medicine. But, I like the alternative even less.
Many days I feel tremendous guilt because so many people are sick. Really sick. But, what I slowly trying to teach myself is that I am sick, too. Not sick with cancer or diabetes or heart disease. It is an illness for sure. One that has kicked my ass. So, when we are sick, we do whatever we can to get better, right? For me that means finding my gratitude. Finding a way to see what others see in me. Finding a way to see the light and feel the love of the Universe. It has been so dark and cold for way too long.

My commitment is to write. Every day. To try...even when I feel like I can't.
To do the obvious...which I have not been doing. Eat better. Exercise. Practice. Practice. Practice. Give myself a break. Be kinder. Love the little stuff. Be better. Do better. And on the days I don't manage to do any of those things...be OK with it and try again tomorrow. Find compassion. Find empathy. Find goodness. And share it when I find it.

May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.