Lucky Thirteen

I sit in the oversized, Ultrasuede chair. The small, silver standing clock that swivels is facing me instead of my doctor. That means the previous patient feels more comfortable on the couch. I have only chosen the chair since she moved into this office a few months back. In fact, now that I think about it, choosing the couch hasn't occurred to me? In the previous office, I sat only on the couch...never on the chair. But that office was arranged differently. It also had really bad faux Southwestern decor furniture. Bigger windows. And a very unpleasant reception area and staff. This one is nicer. And, the walk up the steps and down the hall is longer. And sometimes, a little awkward. You really don't start the session until you pick the seat, right?

The face of the clock is supposed to be turned toward the doctor...but maybe she is distracted too? Or realizes too late that it is facing me and there is no discreet way to get up and flip it to face her? Today, as usual, I carry the slightly elevated anxiety that goes along with a therapy appointment. (Well...my therapy, anyway. I don't know if everyone feels that way?) Her office is safe and she is very kind, supportive and has a lovely British accent. (Yes, two weeks ago I was talking about learning to love tea and said something like, "Well, you of course you love tea because you are British." Dear Lord. I can sure find the awkward things to say. It is a gift. Not one that is often well received...but a gift nonetheless.)

I worry a bit on the drive out there....what if I don't find anything to say? It hasn't yet happened yet and probably won't. I still worry about it.
So, the damned clock is facing me and I let it bother me. I can reach it-without getting up-and turn it to face her-but I do not. I just let it face me. And stick in my side like a thorn. And, of course, I start talking...I am terrible with silence. I have tried a couple of times to just try talk about her... but she see the move for what it is...and patiently redirects me to the subject at hand. Me. Ugh.

Heard a story about habits on the way out to the appointment. Some new book about how to make and break habits. That Target (and other companies) spend a ton of time and money on learning and tracking our shopping habits. So much so, that, often...Target (the example used) can predict a woman's due date (within two weeks!) based on what she is purchasing. (Which gives their name even more power, no?) It isn't really news...I open-and use- the coupons my local grocery store sends...someone knows, and tracks, exactly what I buy and when. I have a detailed profile stored on some server somewhere in North Dakota.
And, they back that shit up.
And backup the backup.

Too bad they don't send coupons for wine? Gets me a little bit paranoid and thinking about paying only cash and stocking up on water and canned goods...but that is another post.Frightening.

But it gets us on the subject of habits. And I get to admit that I am terrified that I will not be able to break my bad habits. That with a therapist and a life coach and an amazingly patient and kind husband and a family that supports me...that I will never get to stop being this. What I am today.

Unworthy.

Damaged.

Messy.

Needy.

Moody.

The recipient of coupons because I am predictable.

And I have put it out there. And, I can't take it back. Even when I want to take it back. My commitment to this project means that I will continue to put it out there...risking what I am imagine will happen when I do. (If you have been following...you know that I imagine the worst. If you haven't been following...News flash...I tend to imagine the worst.) It hasn't happened yet. I have only gotten loving, sweet support.

But we are almost 44 years into these bad habits. It will take more than 40 days to undo them. I do appreciate very much that 40 days IS enough to make a difference. To make some friends. To start to make peace with my work. To find patience. To give credit where it is due. To chip away. To offer it up and hope that the Universe says, "Puh-lease...is that the best you have? I have seen much worse!!!!! Lean into me and the ones that love you, and we will get there. It is so much closer than you think. It much, much better than you imagine."


I hate odd numbers. Write at you tomorrow.