Time for gratitude

The last few days of sunny and fifty degrees have been such a lovely winter surprise. This time of year in Cincinnati is typically so gray and dreary. Not the weather that makes anyone feel like practicing gratitude. But...it has been so nice. Feeling the sun on my skin is such a treat.

So, the subject line would indicate that I am working on the gratitude part of healing. My hope is with practice, and patience...it just becomes a part of who I am...instead of something I feel like I must keep reminding myself to look for. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a secret hope that leaving my job would bring some immediate, "magical" happiness boost. Ummmm...not quite. But, it has given me something very important. Time. Time to have lunch with Tommy at school. Time to start to clean the closet. Time to have my sweet niece who isn't feeling well spend the night and today here while she gets better. Time to read. To write a couple of notes. To walk. To go to Jazzercise. To get to see my nephew's basketball game at 4:15 on a Wednesday. To make the monthly treat I promised to send to Sam who is away at college. This month, he gets a double batch of cookies because he is feeling homesick. Time to breathe. Time to catch myself mumbling negative things when something isn't going the way I want it to go. Time to do the work of learning to stay and to be patient. It is fascinating to me how the same 8 or 10 hours normally spent at work can be filled easily with nothingness.
All of this time has also offered an unwelcome feeling...guilt. I know I am in control of my feelings...but this one is a big one. The innocent question of "What did you do today?" is like a direct opening into that place that I hate...the place where I automatically assume the worst. Defenses go up, belly gets tight and I find myself scrambling for what is the right answer. The truth is, some days the answer is pretty much "nothing." But, that starts the cycle of guilt and shame. The good news? I recognize it. I see the rollercoaster headed right for me. I am not yet to the place where I can stop it before it even starts...Hell...,maybe never will? But I am least at the place where I know the sound of it and can call it what it is. That even though it feels like I am on the tracks about to get hit by the first car...I am not.
So, time. Gratitude for the time. Gratitude for what the time is allowing me to discover, tweak, pitch, name, learn, unlearn (right), share, appreciate, power through, get out of the way of...or...when necessary...lean right into the path of the storm.
Today is another sunny day. Time to go sit on the porch and be. Listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. Practice meditation. And just be. And, when guilt for just being comes to visit, I will be OK with it.