I am certainly not alone in being unable to pull my eyes away from the thumbprint of ash on the forehead of someone on Ash Wednesday. I am not a particularly religious person. I am working on being a less judgemental person...so, if ash on your forehead is important to you, I promise to try to to linger too long or rub my own forehead subconsciously. But, if you find me averting my eyes...just know it is because of my work on being less judgemental is pretty new. And, I am pretty quick to notice when I fail at it and not so quick to reward when I get it right.
For years I have thought of myself as socially liberal yet more conservative on the political side. I have also called myself-OUTLOUD- "Pretty low maintenance." That is a ridiculous, bold faced lie...and I told it over and over. These last few months have really put the squeeze on my "labels." I have talked the talk that "love is love" and it is too important to limit or try to make it fit into something pretty or something that should be legislated. I really do believe that. Really. If you are lucky enough to find love...it matters not one bit to me if it is prince, princess or beast. (Well, OK...I do care if you are doing something smarmy with an innocent animal. I meant "beast" more like the opposite of Prince or Princess. Yes, I know one can be both a princess/prince s and a beast...or bitch. Just grant me my fairy tale references.)
I guess what I have discovered recently is that for all my holier-than-thou speeches on "it doesn't matter where or with whom you find love"...I was being a hypocrite.
It does matter.
Before you get all up in my grill and call me some slur that you have recently (and most likely justifiably) used on any number of public figures lately..let me try to explain what I mean. Love is beautiful. And amazing. And exciting. And magical. And devastating. And unexplainable, yet completely understood all at the same time. It is a choice to share it, care for it, work on it and stick with it. Sometimes, it sticks with you even when you want it to be gone.
Want to know what I have been missing while up on my soap box? The love where it all begins. Inside my own heart... for me. I have spent years running from it. Turning away from it. Not believing it was there.
What I am discovering is we find real love as a result of having at least some level of self love. (Ahem....the big picture self love. Again....none of my business what you do in your own home with your own time. Have a good time. ) So, how did I get lucky enough to find my Prince when I hadn't done the work yet? I am not sure. That is part of my exploration. There must have been some part of me--hidden deep away--that did love me. Does love me. Because, my Prince did come. And, he stayed through the days when I couldn't find that self love at all. He can tell you (although he wouldn't) that have been many of those days lately. He just stays. Not in the "I'm staying because I am stuck" staying. But the lean into, hold on tight, for better or worse, of course you are worth all of this kind of staying. He came to save me-literally-when I couldn't save myself. He loves. Truly. With patience and kindness. He loves me when I (feel that I) am completely unlovable. I love him for that and for so many other reasons. I love that the Universe saw that I needed his exact alchemy to match mine and show me the path.
So, this journey continues. And, with work and learning and patience....I hope to one day soon love me as he does. Maybe I won't ever get there? But, I am working very hard on trying to get there. For today, I love me enough to commit to the process. To do the work. To tell the truth. To be more accepting. To write what I think. And to love my Prince. And my own inner Princess... and beast.
Day One. Take one. Out.
Love love love your writing, I was sobbing as I read this. You knew how important self love is and it took me several years of therapy to understand that. Keep writing, it's beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. JB is a Prince, yes, and you are just as much Princess. One doesn't work without the other. And I love how you're recognizing that your seed of love has always been there. JB saw it.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't be more proud of the very, very, very hard work you're doing. Don't you dare say you don't have a job. You're doing the most important job in the world right now.
It is very heartening and unburdening for me to read this. It's nicely written and is consistent with my foremost rule for happiness: "You've got to take care of No. 1 first." -- even when there is a spouse and/or children in the picture. Love, Dad
ReplyDeleteTrisha: You have no idea how glad I am that you shared this work on the 40 Days of Writing site, as it is personally very much something that I needed to read (drying my eyes here). My grandfather used to quote the Scottish poet Robert Burns and one of his favorite lines: "oh would some power the gift to give us to se ourselves as others see us." Imagine seeing ourselves through the eyes of another. The possibility in it. Because, in the spots where we imagine judgement would be kindness - the sort that we resist extending to ourselves. My fiance and I had an argument the other night about how hard I am on myself and his wish for me to love myself more. I never think of my battles with self love as affecting him, but he loves me so fully, that of course they do. Your tribute to your husband in this is beautiful and your interest in being less judging of yourself seems a good starting place. You have inspired me to join you in working on the same. Thank you again, and I look forward to reading more. Best, Kate
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