Saw a story this morning on how our reptile brain grabs the negative and holds onto it. This comes from our primal need to protect ourselves in order to make it to back from the hunt, or through the night, or to survive a long winter. Something bad=danger. Use the instinct to protect yourself to stay safe. (Or, more simply, stay alive.)
Fast forward to today and the fact that we aren't hiding from large predators anymore. I mean predators like dinosaurs. There are still plenty of things to be afraid of but my conspiracy writing can be saved for another day.
So, all day this idea has been poking at me. We hear something bad or mean or hurtful. It sticks. We hear something kind or sweet and it doesn't stick. The reptile brain is wired for protection. The stuff that hurts or scares us is burned into our memory. It even feels just as painful as a memory as it did a moment. Years later I can replay a single statement or moment and still have a visceral reaction to it. It was my turn at charades at a birthday party in third grade. I had way too much juice and had to pee. Even when I was in the group shouting out guesses, I was crossing my legs. Then, I was up. I tried to pass my turn but the girls were yelling that I couldn't because that was cheating. Terror kicked in as I walk to the front of the den. I turn to face them. Standing in front of a dozen girls, I peed my white tights. Not just a little bit...but full on way too much juice for my little bladder pee. Puddle at my feet. Soaked tights. Squishy shoes. It felt like I peed for twenty minutes...all while standing and being watched by girls in party dresses. They screamed and pointed and laughed. I ran to the bathroom and cried and cried. I pulled off my clingy wet tights and threw them in the garbage. I made toilet paper mittens and wiped my legs. Tried to dry my shoes. I stayed in the bathroom until the party was over. It could have been 20 minutes or two hours? I was in third grade. I went right back to that very moment today and felt the same hot shame. I didn't feel the hot pee because, well, I didn't have too much juice today. All day I do this. Replay snippets. Feel the sting. Feel the shame. Each time I am surprised by the power still wielded by the negative. And? I have hundreds of them to view. One after the other. This is an awful exercise.
In between, I try for the opposite. I remember something good. A sweet gesture. What is so weird is that I have to dig much deeper to remember the good stuff? So, my powerful reptilian brain holds onto plenty of unpleasant memories and is ready to cue them up for me. The happy storage part of my brain? Not so cooperative.
As I play my twisted game of strike up another shitty memory, I realize that what I am consciously doing today, I have unconsciously done my whole life? Is my reptilian brain some kind of masochistic piece of shit brain that gets off on drumming up the muck? Or have I just allowed it too much power? I should note that I really am not a fan of any reptiles. They scare me and give me the heebies. Maybe, my reptilian brain is something I should work on being less afraid of? Bring it you scaly, cold-blooded creep. I can take it. Especially since I am now aware that I can take it. So, reptilian brain, I appreciate your job is to help me survive. I am good. No dinosaurs around. I know fire is hot. I have food and shelter. I divorced the clubbing caveman years ago. Don't be offended that I am going to work to make sure that the other non-reptilian brain gets to do its job as well. Happy thoughts. And, the red carpet. And Ellen. Deep dish nachos. A guy who said on his way out of the house today, "I think you are beautiful." Take that, reptile brain.
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