40 in 2014

I am not alone in thinking that I can't commit to 40 Days of writing.  Shit.

Shit!  
Wait...I am so in need of 40 Days of writing.  Pause.  Increased heart beat.  I am no good at this.  
I am good at this. 
We discover the gifts left for us if we pay attention.  40 Days is a gift and I am going to accept it.
The darkness has been again present for weeks.  Crippling darkness.  It has never fully been gone for years now but does retreat to the corners...sometimes.  I have been trying to pay attention to when it comes back in its full strength.  But, like all shadows, it is only visible when there is light.
Nighttime is awful because the nightmares are something I cannot avoid.  I wait for the dark because the world gets quiet and eyes stop looking.  But, when it is time to sleep, the terror takes over.
Daytime is the time when it is harder to hide.  The light reveals the truth.  It is much harder to hide the dark circles under my eyes.  The fear inside of my eyes.  The shame I can't seem to keep down.  The exhaustion.  The sadness.  The unending trip on the hamster wheel of anxiety. 
So, I will write.  For 40 days.  Hopefully, not sad and depressing writing for 40 days.  Unless, that is what I need to do.  40 days to chase the darkness.  Maybe embrace the darkness? Find the light?  At least take time each day to do what feels right.